Filmed on Ho-Chunk Land. The America I love
Stops first To acknowledge her ancestors and the Continued caretakers Who have called these stolen shapes Home Since time before time The America I love Holds her heavy history With the admission that Her wealth was built on the pain Of those taken and forced To work fields for which To this day They see no pennies of the profits The America I love Stops and holds She does not say -I am perfect But -I have work to do She digs deeper Scrubs harder To glean Exactly what that work will look like Listens a little longer To all of the people Who sit at her table In all of their wholeness Leans in to Learn all of their stories Asks -What do you need? And -What do YOU need? -What do WE need? And gives The America I love Lays down her weapons Protects her water Names each tree as friend And holds all life as sacred The America I love Is where un salvadoreño Descubriendo su lugar En una tierra nueva And a Midwest woman Who realized She was on the wrong mission Meet at a Berkeley cinema For a bit of a blind date And spark a new future Where a mom works at the same job For over 40 years To provide for her family And the dad leaves his To take care of the kids Where now, New parents work together To make it work The America I love Is a celebration of all of our stories Welcomed with wonder Where we heal her hurt Through songs pushed forth from Choked back streams As our feet on the street Rhythms move messages And blast loudly Bass turned to bounce bellies -The sky sparkles brightest when all of us shine May she be so May she be more May we be The America I love
0 Comments
Our nursing journey came to an end just a few months short of two years. This is a bittersweet share as it has been a bittersweet journey of ups and downs, sideways lurches and many, many bumps. I didn’t get that photo of our last time nursing together. I didn’t get that perfect snap with the tears and the fist raised high into the air. Those shots are beautiful and celebratory and encouraging and heartbreaking, all at the same time. But, that too, wasn’t the way it happened for us. Instead, I got late-night screaming. Big, heaving wails and both of us crying ourselves to sleep. We got tear stained pillows and an ache in our hearts. But, as with all the hardest things I’ve learned as a mother, that tear stained pillowcase doesn’t come without a lot of joy on the other side. That aching heart is a product of the deep love I feel and it’s all part of the same experience. When I was in my first therapy group in an attempt to address my PPD and PTSD from our birth experience, we worked on skills based in Acceptance Commitment Therapy. My therapist invited me to reflect on the painful experiences of fear and loss and ask myself whether I would take those feelings away if it meant also being without the moments of joy and love. My answer was, of course not, I would take it all in order to keep the good. And that’s just it, you don’t get one without the other. The pain hurts so badly because I love so deeply and the challenges and disappointments of breastfeeding ache because we care. Nursing did not come easy to us. Maybe it really was because he spent that week in the NICU and I didn’t get to try until after he'd already begun on the bottle. Maybe it was my own stress and nervousness about the whole process. Whatever it was, we struggled, I cried, and the worry often sent me deeper into the negative thoughts I experienced about whether I was good enough or would ever be good enough.
Photos are from Dinkey Creek near Shaver Lake, CA - Western Mono/Monache Native Land.
- breastfeeding - motherhood - parenting - new mom - postpartum - postpartum depression - birth - birth trauma - nursing It feels so good not to hold it in. To name it for what it is. Troy is so understanding of everything I go through but there’s something different about talking to another mom and having her validate what you’re experiencing. These thoughts haunt me because I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way. And I do. I’ve come a long way from the worst of my postpartum depression but mornings like these take me back to shaking on the bed and thinking he needed a better Mommy. I always find this phrase so affirming so If you’re reading and you need to hear it, “You are the perfect mother for your child.” You are perfect and you’re doing a great job.
I am grateful for every moment and I know the challenges are part of the journey but this is so much harder on my heart than I ever could have expected. I cried hard today and Tony came to comfort me. He sat on my lap and told me about garbage trucks and looked at me with love. I felt awful because I couldn’t stop crying. I breathed it all out and I cried. Cried and breathed. Breathed and cried. The tears passed and this afternoon, when it was my turn to help him through his tears, I remembered his gentleness. His quiet presence and his little love. I waited. He accepted my arms and we started again. And I think that’s the most important lesson. We may have to continue to sit through the storm but on the other side we can always, always, always start again. - starting over - postpartum depression - motherhood - challenge - toddler - parenting - gentle parenting - loving kindness - mindful parenting - mindfulness
Thoughts on gender roles and labels from the mother of a long-haired theybieGuess how many times my child was misgendered today... Normally, it doesn’t bother me too much. I guess I’ve accepted that having a long-haired boy means people will often be confused and think he is a girl. Today, however, after 4 or 5 times, it just felt...disappointing. We had a really splendid day. It’s been so good to get out for some activities and Tony is enjoying the fullness of what life has to offer. He’s probably not bothered by folks calling him “she” or saying “the little girl” but it does nag at me a little bit and it got me thinking about how we can be better. Not just for little confusions about boys with long hair or girls who like bugs, or whatever norms we’re affirming, but what about the little kid who’s not quite sure? What about the kid who starts to feel like they’re not the gender everyone keeps calling them at the park or at school? What happens when they know their correct gender and people keep getting it wrong, simply because they’re assuming instead of asking. I get the psychology of it. Our brains have become programmed to identify, label, and group. But now that we know better, we must do better. Now that we know that gender is a spectrum, we, as the parents of children today, have the power to adjust the language we expose our children to. How we talk about the other kids at gymnastics class matters. The labels and word choice we speak in their presence have a direct effect on how they will in turn view the world and interact with others. In the spirit of kindness and building a more inclusive world, can we commit to making a shift? Can we use gender neutral terms on the playground when we don’t know someone. I’m super guilty of assuming gender in this way. It’s our nature to say “wait for the little boy”, “give her a turn”, etc. but there are so many other options. I’ll be actively working to change the language I use when talking about other people in front of my child. I’ll replace “little boy” and “her” with “little kid”, “friend”, or “them”. Using language that affirms the gender spectrum teaches my own little one that he doesn’t have to group others into “male” or “female”. It also teaches that “he” doesn’t have to be the labels used for him now. While I’ll continue to use male pronouns for him for now, I understand that only he will be able to determine his true gender and when he does, that’ll be awesome. - mom blog - toddler mom - theybie - gender roles - gender norms
- gender spectrum - gender is a construct - be yourself - pronouns matter Lucy Chai & Stella Spice -An Adoption Story-
Originally, we were planning on waiting until after some summer travels to find a new dog (or 500) to join our family. But, after a chance encounter with a neighbor's pup who wandered by and spent a few hours in our backyard, we knew that we were really missing the presence of dogs in our home. We talked about how special it felt to have a dog in the yard, even if only for a few hours and how much we both really wanted one. Troy, in the sweet way he always finds the perfect way to voice what’s on my heart said, “I know we were going to wait but, they can’t wait.” How right he was. I began looking online and saw so many sweet faces waiting. So many good dogs who needed a home, who deserved a family to snuggle and kiss and take for long walks. As I looked, part of me was definitely looking for a little replica of our sweet Angel. I missed her teddy bear face and soft curly hair and I just wanted to hold her again. But dogs aren’t meant to be replaced. Angel will always hold her own uniquely precious spot in our hearts and family history. I knew this but I was still looking for her. I applied to adopt the dogs who caught my eye at all the nice shelters in town and trusted the right one would work out. I sent emails and made calls. I wanted to and did trust the process but I also had my heart set on holding a dog in my arms and I wanted one NOW. I took my first walk through the SPCA one Wednesday after work. I wanted to meet Charlie, a long-haired collie mix. We had discussed wanting a bigger dog this time around and he looked like a big bucket of fluffy joy. I took him around the courtyard and while he was very sweet and okay to manage, I just didn’t feel that spark of connection. When Angel died, my brother Dominik told me that we would find her spirit again, “You just have to look for the signs.” Following the signs, I decided I had to take the little terrier mix named “Angel Baby” for a walk. Part of me wasn’t super interested because she was named Angel and I didn’t want our next dog to have the same name. Part of me wasn’t in love with her look. Her hair was a little more wiry than I had envisioned and her recent litter left her with saggy boobs that didn’t look like they’d be recovering any time soon (I mean, same girl). She walked around the courtyard with me so calmly, stopping to sit beside me near the bench and looking at me with such kind eyes. I left, thinking we could come back as a family over the weekend to meet Charlie and see how that might go. By Wednesday afternoon, Charlie was gone and I was disappointed. I frantically searched Petfinder and sent off more applications. On Thursday, I reached out about a mother and son black lab/pit bull mix. We met them Saturday morning and quickly realized they were a bit much for us to handle. The son was not a fan of Tony and the mom just didn’t give us that connection feeling. Disappointed again, we tried to visit the Madera SPCA to see a few new poodles that really reminded me of our Angel but they don’t accept walk-ins and we set off for home. I got back on my most visited site, the Central California SPCA and searched for any new additions. Just my luck! Not only were the fluffy little light brown pups still there, two new black and brown terrier mixes were on the site and I just knew one of them would be the one! Troy told me we could go on Sunday if we wanted and I did but I also wasn’t sure. “Am I doing too much?” I asked him. “Is it too soon? Am I being too obsessed with finding a dog?” Maybe I was but again, in his loving way, Troy related to the intensity of my search and reassured me. “We can go and look. We don’t have to bring anyone home today. We’re just going to look and see what we see.” I’m so grateful to have a partner who knows my heart and sees my intentions. We arrived and the boys went out to the courtyard to wait. I made my way through the kennels, seeing so many adorable dogs who I wanted to meet but knowing I had my eyes on the prize, those cute little black and brown babies. I figured they might be in the very last kennel, where there were a variety of smaller dogs and where I had met “Angel Baby” a few days prior. I came upon their kennel and sure enough, there they were. All of the dogs in the kennel came up to the door but the one I really had my eye on wasn’t wagging her tail like the rest. That wasn’t the sign I was looking for and I debated taking out the other one. “Angel Baby”, on the other hand, got up quickly as I approached, looked at me with eyes that seemed to remember our stroll and eagerly wagged her tail.
“She’s so sweet.” Troy said. As Tony walked around and even leaned up against her, she remained seated beside us, one of the most calm dogs I had ever seen. “Wow, and she’s the perfect size too.” We walked around with her for a bit but it was instantly clear that she would be a great fit for our family. Being the generous spouse that I am, I asked Troy if he wanted to go inside to the kennels and see the other dogs. I figured it was only fair that he had the chance to look around. A few minutes later, Troy returns and says “There’s one I’d like to see.” The “one” he comes back with is a puppy. Although I had initially really wanted a puppy, we had decided a puppy probably wasn’t the best idea right now for various reasons and when he brought her out, my first response was a great big “Ummm…” Stella was sweet from the get go, as most puppies are, but I wasn’t quite sold. She had a lot of energy but stopped to give smooches and seemed great with Tony. She was awful cute but maybe not in the way I had envisioned a potential puppy and what about gentle, super chill “Angel Baby”? “Could we see how they do together?” Troy asked. “Sure, you want me to bring the other one out?” Eric replied. Two?! My beloved husband, who had played off my (only partially) joking requests for 10,000 dogs was now the one going for two?! Well okie dokie then! Eric brought “Angel Baby” back out. The puppy sniffed her and wanted to play. I knew they had a fenced in space in the back and asked if we could see how they did together off leash and with Tony around. “There was just something about her. The way she looked at me.” Troy told me as walked over. I still wasn’t completely sure about this whole puppy thing now that it was an honest possibility but I was open to it. Inside the enclosure, everything went swimmingly and it wasn’t long before Troy asked “So, are we taking two doggies home today?”
Over the past few days, Troy and I have found ourselves constantly amazed at how perfectly these two girls seem to complete our little family. Adopting them was meant to be. As a Unitarian Universalist, my understanding of the divine fluctuates. I do, however, know that some things are “God things”. Finding these two perfect pups was truly a God thing and I can feel it whenever I see the two of them cuddled together on one of their beds, frolicking in the yard or patiently waiting for Tony to drop a treat. Neither of them really look like Angel (Lucy maybe a little bit) but just as I still feel her comforting presence in the wind, I know her spirit is within them. Dominik told me to look for the signs and all the signs are there. Lucy was originally named Angel and when I found out that she was brought in on 4/21, our anniversary date, I knew it was another sign. She came in with a litter of puppies and one by one, they were all adopted, leaving her at the shelter alone. We don’t know much about Stella’s story and she didn’t grab my heart immediately but when I picked her up the next day and she rode in the car with me, popping her curious puppy face up to kiss me, the signs were present again. In many ways, Angel was gone from us long before she passed. The day she left us, we had decided to move forward with an intense surgery that would hopefully have kept her around for a few years but would have been a lot for our family and definitely wouldn’t have left room to welcome in new members. In her passing, she blessed us by taking that heavy burden with her. It still breaks my heart but I am so grateful for her final acts of love. As we reflected on missing her amongst the joys of new life this week, Troy hit me with one more dose of wisdom and reflection. “It’s almost as if she gave her life so that she could save two others. And isn’t that what Angels do?” Both Lucy and Stella were brought to the SPCA as stray dogs and both left as cherished members of our family. We gave them a home and they are giving us so much more. Rescuing these girls has brought a new energy to our house that we know is the start of a beautiful thing. If you are looking to add a furry friend to your family, please consider adoption or rescue. There are so many worthy animals in need and trust me, you never know who you might find waiting for you! If you have questions about our adoption journey or anything else, pretty much all I want to talk about is our dogs so please reach out! Dogs, dog adoption, dog rescue, rescue dogs, rescue pets, SPCA, adopt don't shop
Realizing she wasn’t there, remembering that she would never again physically be there to greet me, it broke my heart all over again and I sat down on the entryway bench to cry big, hot tears. Tony and Troy came in and found me there, sadness streaming down my face and heaving my chest. Troy put his arm around me and Tony asked “What happened?”. “Mommy is sad. Mommy is really sad,” I told him. He put his head on my lap but quickly looked up and noticed my cheeks. “Wet,” he said with a baby bit of concern and took off to his room. I heard some rummaging around and he returned with two baby wipes. He brought them to my face and with great care and big love in his little eyes, my not yet two year old son dried my tears. This small, tender act stopped my crying and gave me such hope and peace. As a parent, seeing your child display empathy and care is such a treasure. It’s a display of your work coming full circle and in this case, it came back to support me in my time of need. What a beautiful miracle the cycle is! On this day, walking through the garage, for a second, I forgot she was gone and I expected to see her little face in the cat door window. I expected to hear her yippy bark and watch her twirl, way too excited about seeing me again, even if I’d only been gone for ten minutes.
I think when we tell someone “I love you,” part of what we are saying is “I choose to be with you in the storm.” We know that not every moment will be happiness and good times and we accept that. We tell our loved ones “I will be here with you while the storm rages. I do not know when the storm will come, what you will want or need but I will be here.” In turn, our loved ones often choose to be with us during our own storms and round and round the circle of care is strengthened. As the storms pass and the sun shines through once more, we celebrate together, knowing that we are all part of a great cycle of care, support, and deep love. Troy and I have spent much time in the storm with Tony. From bleak days at his NICU bedside to hand-holding during extra bloodwork. From countless nights of fighting sleep to the fears of loud noises or the pain of a skinned knee, our parenting journey has at times felt like a barrage of continuous storms. At times, it’s hard to know what to do when we’re in that raging eye. That’s when I remember this phrase, “I choose to be with you in the storm,” and I know that maybe, I don’t need to do anything at all. Maybe, all I need to do is be there, sit in the storm with my child, and wait out the bad weather.
When Tony came to sit with me in my storm the other day, he blessed me in a huge way. He gave me such a sense of comfort and this precious moment continues to fill me with gratitude. The love we pour into the world does come back to us. Sometimes it’s hard to see in the moment but it cycles and swirls all around us, finding its way back to our door when we need it most. May it be so. A gentle, loving reminder that it’s okay.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay. I am learning, seemingly over and over again, a lesson I wish I had learned in my teenage years: that all emotions are valid, important, and necessary. I am listening, no longer to the voice that tells me “Stop crying. Don’t be weak.”, but to the brave voice that says “I know you are strong enough to feel the pain. To really feel it, acknowledge the hurt, and move through it when you’re ready.” Two years ago, we almost lost Anthony. I almost didn’t get to hold my baby and the thought still makes my chest tighten. The trauma of his birth and hospitalization lead to some heavy pain and postpartum depression. I attended therapy and learned about “The Happiness Trap”. This idea resonated so powerfully with my experience. My previous self-talk was to tell myself that it wasn’t okay to cry, that I needed to “buck up”, and stop feeling sad. While no one wants to be stuck in sadness forever, it’s a myth that we are going to or should be happy all the time. Life just doesn’t work that way and it’s dangerous to expect that of ourselves or others. It was during this time that I learned the importance of embracing my sadness. I came to understand my sadness as the other side of a life lived with deep gratitude, joy, and so much love. I sought therapy because I didn’t want to feel sad anymore. I learned some powerful skills and self-care strategies to refocus my energy and not let my sadness or negative thoughts take me down unhealthy paths without control but most importantly, I learned that I needed to feel that sadness. I needed to cry, to grieve, and to shout. In the midst of big sobs one day, my therapist asked “Would you take the pain away if it meant that you couldn’t experience the good as well?” No, of course not. I suppose the same question can be asked during my mourning of Angel. It’s been so painful to be without her, so raw and so frequent is the recollection that she is no longer at my side. But, I would not trade one sloppy kiss, one wag of the tail, or one nuzzle on my lap for any ounce of sorrow. So here I am, feeling my sadness, allowing many tears to fall, and knowing that it’s all part of the beautiful, complex, mystery of life. May it be so.
I remind myself of this frequently. It’s so easy to get stuck in disappointment when I don’t wake up early, I miss something on my to-do list, or I forget my peace and say something in anger. What a gift, then, to offer ourselves grace and try again. Part of this Day 1 mentality though, is letting go of the previous chapter. Those mistakes I made, the opportunities I missed, anything I messed up - that’s in the past. I forgive myself and I forge ahead. I set new goals or I recommit to a former goal and I try, try again.
For me, Day 1 means that I get to start over whenever I need to. I always have the opportunity to push restart on my day or on my life and make the changes I need in order to feel good. I’m a big believer in “one day at a time” and even “one breath at a time” when things feel especially challenging. At the beginning of our 30 Day Yoga With Adriene journey this year, Breath, Adriene shared the quote “With each breath, a new arrival”. Another recent meditation from Tamara Levitt on the Calm app shared the breathing pattern of “Breathing in - an arrival, breathing out - a settling”. I love both of these ideas because coming back to my breath has been such a powerful tool for me over the past few years. Our breath is always there to return to, to seek refuge in, and to guide us forward. With each new breath, there is a new opportunity to love ourselves deeper, make a new attempt, and start fresh. With all that, I invite you to take this new month, new week, new day, and new breath. Take it as your own and write upon that blank page all that you wish to be. Maybe it’s a simple wish, a wish to find more moments of peace or drink more water. Maybe it’s a huge lifestyle change that will radically alter the course of your life forever. Whatever it may be, it’s yours for the writing. You get today, and every day hereafter to create the story of your dreams. I’m taking this Day 1 to move further into my holistic goal of finding greater ease. I’ve been doing a lot of meditative and reflective work with how I respond to external stimuli. Whether my own glitches, the challenges of parenting, or the stresses of pandemic teaching, I am leaning into conscious pause, ongoing reflection, and careful response rather than reaction. Will I make mistakes this month, this week, today even? You better believe it! But that’s why I have another Day 1 tomorrow! It’s Day 1 beautiful soul, what will this part of your story say? |
Karen UPStories and ponderings from family life, my health and wellness journey, and this great, big, beautiful world! |